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Title: Good Plans (And Better Plans)
Author: [livejournal.com profile] serotonin_storm
Fandom: House
Rating: R
Pairing: House/Wilson/Amber
Word Count: 800 words
Summary: Wilson asks Amber and House to have sex while he watches. It... doesn't go as planned.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: For [livejournal.com profile] lostwiginity. Dialogue-only. Edited 12/9/08.

"Touch my hip."

"I'm working on it."

"You've been staring at me for like, a minute."

"Fine, I'm working up to it."

"What's the matter, Greg, is the great horn dog in you all talk? Really just a regular middle-aged - That's better. Thank you."

"God, Wilson sleeps with this dominatrix act all the time? I should've known he was a kinky bastard under all that vanilla. Bet he has a tie kink to go with it and everything."

"House, I am not vanilla just because I don't throw my money away on hookers. Not everyone can just have casual sex whenever they feel like it."

"And Robin was, what? A really expensive friend?"

"How - How do you know about - I didn't - Look, I never actually slept with her. It doesn't count, House."

"You're a technical little trick, aren't you? It didn't count because you didn't stick your dick in her - "

"House!"

"Something you want to tell me, James?"

"I - Look, there was this one time... A patient - "

"Oh god. Can you two save the caring and sharing moment for a time when I don't have my hand on my dick?"

"Maybe you shouldn't have brought it up, then, huh? Do you need a hand?"

"Depends. Your hand?"

"What, you want his hand? I should've known you had a thing for Wilson."

"I'm having sex with you because he asked and you just noticed that? Good thing I didn't hire you; you really are an idiot."

"You have a thing for me?"

"..."

"Seriously?"

"No, I'm here because CB is my favoritest person in the whole, wide world. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"House, you - "

"No, really, hope to die."

"Alright, less talking, more sex. You can have a moment with my boyfriend when I'm not here in bed with you."

"Take off your shirt."

"Well, well. Who's the dominatrix now?"

"Ha ha. Rack, please."

"There, happy now?"

"Thrilled."

"... You're staring again."

"I'm - "

" - working up to it

"Would you two stop bickering and just... you know... already?"

"Screw?"

"Fornicate."

"Fuck like bunnies?"

"Bunnies? How sweet, House; are you calling me cute?"

"No, I'm calling you an infinitely horny rodent that eats its young."

"Flattering. Come on. Let's just get this over with."

"Wow, your enthusiasm is catching."

"Is it? Because it seems like yours is... wilting."

"Amber!"

"What? It's his little problem."

"Not all of us can be 28-year-old sex maniacs. You, for example, are dating a 42-year-old oncologist with three ex-wives and alcohol related erectile dysfunction."

"It - it's not alcohol related, House. It's just... alcohol induced. There is a difference!"

"It's not like he minds, James. He couldn't try to mark his territory more if he peed all over you."

"Water sports. Sexy."

"Oh god..."

"Condoms?"

"What, me?"

"No, genius, the other guy whose girlfriend I'm about to fuck."

"Relax. I have some."

"You're the condom carrier in the relationship. How disturbing. I knew Wilson'd surrendered the last dying shard of his manhood."

"Do you want to put it on or should I?"

"I'll do it."

"Okay, so how do you want us to do this, James?"

"We're taking orders from him?"

"It is for his pleasure."

"Funny. I thought I was the one getting my rocks off. He still has his pants on."

"I'm just... This is weird."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Do you want us to do it or not?"

"No! I - I want you to do it."

"Then at least take your dick out. A guy likes to be validated when he screws his best friend's girl for entertainment."

"I, uh. Okay."

"Much better. How do you want it, Casanova?"

"Amber on top."

"Figures. Ow, fuck, watch the leg!"

"Sorry."

"Just hurry up."

"Lie back and shut up."

"And think of England?"

"Or Wilson's cock, if it makes you feel any better."

"Guys - "

"Thought that was your territory."

"I like having something you can fantasize about."

"Oh my god, are you two even aware that I'm right here?"

"What are you waiting for? Do you need me to draw you a diagram? Tab A goes in Slot B."

"I know that. I was doing this while you were still cockteasing in high school. It's called foreplay. Be appreciative."

"I'm weeping at your feet, old man. Just do it."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Someone please tell me why I ever thought this would be hot?"

"Would you move already?"

"Thought I was a cocktease."

"It defeats the purpose once the cock is already in your - "

"You know what? Screw this."

"Pretty sure that's what I was doing. Where are you going?"

"We're doing this for Wilson. So why not do it to Wilson?"

"What?! No, I - "

"... Huh. Good point."

"Good point? That's - it's not - no it isn't!"

"You got more condoms?"

"I always come prepared. Lube?"

"Check. I'm a regular boyscout."

"What are you doing, don't - "

"Wait a minute. What about the ties?"

"Don't worry. They're in the closet."

"Just like Wilson?"

"Just like Wilson."

"Hey! Hey, don't! Hey, I mean... don't... oh fuck..."

"What's that, Wilson? I didn't quite hear you."

"... don't stop... "

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, new strategy. You take over the front, and I'm gonna approach him from behind."

"Good plan."

"I think we have one interesting night ahead of ourselves. Do you agree, CB?"

"I agree."

"Oh, but what does Wilson think?"

"Oh god!"

"Yeah, I think he agrees."

"I think you're right."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Let's do this thing."
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